Perfect Practice

Nearly everyone is familiar with the phrase 'practice makes perfect.'  And most of us accept it as having a high level of truth.  I learned differently when my daughter turned me into a 'sports mom.'  Basketball and track were her particular talents and she was blessed to have inspiring and wise coaches in both.  One of them introduced us to the upgraded version of practice makes perfect: "PERFECT practice makes perfect" (Vince Lombardi).

It is easy to see how this applies to sports.  Imagine a basketball player at the free throw line.  They do not just practice 50 or 100 free throws.  They practice a perfectly executed free throw.  The point is to so ingrain the mechanics of the perfect free throw, that it will be natural and easy when the game is on the line.

More importantly, "Perfect practice makes perfect" applies to the game of life and to each and every human being.  Human beings are always practicing.  Every moment of every day. Why?  Because the essential nature of human beings is evolution.  We are designed for learning and growth and expansion.  Every time we do something there is a result.  This is life giving us feedback.

This was true when we were one year olds learning to walk and it is true today.  Every step that resulted in a butt flop taught us something that eventually made us good walkers.  The reason babies and children learn so fast is that they naturally assimilate feedback.  Most adults have lost this natural attention to results and feedback. 

Human beings who are living consciously notice the feedback and use it to create something better: a healthier way of living, a kinder way of interacting with others, a more loving method of parenting, etc., a more productive work approach.  This is the process of perfect practice.  We act, life gives us feedback, we consider this new information, make an adjustment, and then go out and practice it.

Contrast this to the unconscious life in which people pay no attention to the feedback that life is giving them, or refuse to acknowledge that what is consistently showing up in their life is a direct result of their actions.  Inevitably these are the people who are continuously frustrated, annoyed, disgruntled, upset and angry.  These are the people who are stuck in 'practice makes perfect' mode.  They keep doing the same things (that are not working for them), and have perfected their dysfunctional behaviors.  

And of course, even those of us who are living more consciously have areas in our life where we do the same dysfunctional dance.  If you want to locate these areas in your life (so that you can make adjustments), just begin to notice those moments where you feel easily annoyed, frustrated or upset.  When you are easily triggered, it is a sign that you are bumping up against some behavior that you have practiced over and over again without noticing that it is not working for you.

No two basketball players shoot their foul shots the same way.  Each has to develop the perfect mechanics that work for them. So it is with practicing human beings.  It is your job to practice each day as perfectly as you can, and then use the feedback that life gives you to continue evolving your practice. What you will find is that perfection is not a destination, but a journey. A beautiful, creative, joyful journey toward the most expanded version of you that you can imagine.

ALWAYS

YOU have the power.  Every day you have the opportunity to use it.  Will today be one of those days that you choose to use your power to make a difference?

I realized only recently why we so often fail to employ this always available power.  We don't really believe in it.  We live in a culture that celebrates BIG everything: big expenditures, big achievement, big contribution.  We have gotten to the unfortunate place where we discount anything unworthy of a headline.

I have no wish to discount any goodness that deserves a headline.  The pertinent point is this: the small, often unheralded, daily acts of kindness, generosity, thoughtfulness, caring and love are making a larger difference in the world than the headlines.  

Even when you do not see an immediate result, be assured that these acts are changing the world.  Every loving, conciliatory, comforting, forgiving, kind or inspiring word or gesture makes a significant difference.  Each one changes you, the recipient, and the energy of the planet.

Every time you smile at a neighbor or stranger, hold a door for someone, allow another driver to go ahead of you, give up your place in line, say thank you, act with generosity, reach out to someone in need, withhold criticism, offer a compliment, practice random acts of kindness, lend a hand, forgive quickly, comfort another human being, or just listen with love, YOU make a difference.  YOU change the world in the direction of love.  And your act ripples outward creating waves of positive change that you will never even know about.

You have the power.  It ALWAYS makes a difference.  All you have to do is use it.

 

Getting All Those Ducks in a Row

Are you close? Do you almost have everything in your life lined up the way you want it?  Or do you still have a ways to go?  And how stressful is it trying to get everything just right?

Guess what?  Never going to happen.  Control is an illusion.  Ultimately, no matter how good you are at manipulating the ingredients of life, unexpected things will happen.  Challenges and changes that you could not anticipate, and which you think you do not want, will show up.  Little things, big things, and everything in between.

Does this mean that happiness is doomed or fleeting? NO.  What it means is that you must choose happiness first, and choose it again no matter what shows up.  This choice is your power point in life. 

Everyone wants to be happy, but most people have a detailed recipe for the experience of happiness.  In other words, we will be happy when we can check off all the required ingredients on our list.  Even if by some miracle this happens for you at some point in time, it will not last more than a nano second.  In the blink of an eye someone will be rude to you, or something will disappoint you, or you will experience loss, or you won't get what you want, or a crisis will appear.  Poof, your happiness is gone.

The path to lasting happiness, happiness as a way of life, is to toss out the recipe.  Choose to be happy, and choose it again no matter what shows up.  No requirements, no conditions.  Let nothing change your decision to be happy.  This is not a matter of putting on blinders.  Rather, it is an acknowledgment that choosing happiness is the one thing in life that is always under your control.  In the midst of life's greatest challenges, in times of heart breaking grief, happiness is still yours for the choosing.

The Most Important Relationships

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There are two relationships that determine most of what you experience in life:

1.  Your relationship with yourself

2.  Your relationship with the present moment

If either one of these relationships is dysfunctional, there is little hope of experiencing life as easy, joyful, fun and rewarding.  Yet most people never even think about the state of these relationships.  Consider this: Are you ever – is it even possible – to be not with yourself and not in the present moment?  Absolutely NOT!  The present moment is the only place we can ever actually be, and we are always there with ourselves. 

Of the two of these relationships, my experience of 20 plus years of coaching indicates that #2 is the most difficult one for people to “fix”.  For most people the present moment is NOT their friend.  And since all we have is the present moment, if you argue and fight with it continuously, you cannot create a joyful life.

This is how people fight with the present moment:

1.  We treat it as a means to and end.  Yes, YOU do this.  How many of your moments do you rush through just to get to some ‘future’ moment that seems more important?  Any moment you are rushing thru is just a means to some other moment.  And when you get to that moment how present are you? How many moments are you going to treat as throw-aways??? 

2.  We reject it or make it wrong.  It shows up not the way we want it to and we just want to change it, reject it, hold our breath until it goes away.

3.  We make it our enemy.  We complain about it, argue with it, blame someone for it.  Feel annoyed, exasperated, frustrated by it.

The present moment is our best friend.  It is the only place we can ever experience life and take action.  It is the only place we can create anything.  So why do we treat our best friend like it is a nuisance, a problem, an inconvenience, a burden, an obstacle, a hassle???

When you heal your relationship with the present moment, your entire experience of life will shift.  Start by asking yourself as often as you can throughout the day, “What is my relationship with this moment at hand?”  Be honest with your answer, and you will begin to see the insanity of our inability to be with the moment at hand in a welcoming manner.  You will begin to see the myriad of ways that we all make an enemy of the present.

When you can say yes to the moment at hand, and make it your friend no matter HOW it shows up, you will experience a freedom you have never imagined.

The Voices in Our Heads

We all have multiple voices in our heads that seem to have a life of their own.  Okay, I am NOT talking about the voice that tells you Great Aunt Sally is buried out in the back yard and wants you to rescue her.  I’m talking about the very real voices of all the people in our lives that have influenced us over the years.  Here are a couple of my personal favorites:

1.  Whenever it is a particularly gorgeous day (which happens a lot in our area) I always hear my departed mother exclaiming gleefully, “It’s a dilly, dilly day!”

2.  When I drop something in the kitchen I hear my (then) 10 year old daughter shouting, “Fiddlesticks.” (this comes with a visual of her friends looking at her with that “where do you come from?” scorn).

3.  Whenever anything REALLY goes wrong I immediately hear Tom Hanks intoning, “Houston, we have a problem.”

Now, these are all perfectly benign voices, and I actually enjoy them chiming in.  But most people also have a whole litany of voices that are not so pleasant to hear.  These are the voices that have hurt or belittled you in the past.  The parent who said you were unlovable, the teacher who said you would never do well, the boss who told you you weren’t good enough.  The friends who mocked you; the co-workers who criticized you; the family members who made light of your dreams; the spouse who highlights your shortcomings.

The present day issue is not that these things were said.  It is that they continue to play in your head, and continue to cause pain and dysfunction.  What I want you to know is that YOU have the right to invite these voices to cease and desist.  Any voice that does not speak to or acknowledge the good in you needs an eviction notice.

Here is a process for deleting these unwanted voices:

1. Become aware of them.  Everything begins with awareness.  Often, these voices have been playing so long that you no longer consciously hear them.  So start by repeating to yourself every day that you intend to tune in to any negative messages running in your head.  And if/when you find yourself feeling any negative emotion, stop and figure out what you are thinking and whose voice it is.

2. Look consciously at the message that is being repeated and ask if there is any truth in it that YOU can own in a positive way – any kernal of truth that could make you a better or happier person.  If so, rephrase it in your own words and make it a positive message to yourself.  Every time that old voice shows up, calmly inform it that its residency has been revoked (use your own style of ‘hit the road jack’).  Then repeat your new, self created positive message.  If the original message was completely out in left field, with no iota of validity, then laugh at it!  Talk back to it, like “You’re kidding, right?  That is so absurd it is hilarious.  I am so not that way.  I am _______________________.  Fill in the blank with the goodness in you that makes a lie of the voice. 

Understand that you will probably have to evict the unwanted voice more than once, and perhaps many times.  The longer the voice has been playing in your head the more deeply entrenched it will be.  Just stay vigilant to its presence and keep doing the steps above. 

Also, keep it about the message, the voice, not the original person who spoke the words.  No matter how off base, wrong, or hurtful the person was, it is not about them.  It is about you gaining freedom from the unwelcome voice that lives in your head. 

Experiment With Your Life!

 Seventeen years ago I was given the best advice of my life.  I received this radical wisdom on the very first day I attended the Unity Church of Boulder (Colorado) and listened to Minister Jack Groverland.  Over the next twelve years of Sundays Jack repeated his sage advice often: “Experiment with your life.”

I was intrigued by his message that first day, and scared at the same time.  At age 41 I was pretty much run by routine.  I had a good life and I didn’t think messing with it was such a wise idea.  Thankfully Jack is relentless and brilliantly insightful about human beings.  My life changed dramatically over the 12 years I listened to Jack and practiced what he preached – changed from the inside out.  And the biggest change?  I came ALIVE!!!

Do you ever feel bored?  Uninspired?  Chronically Tired?  Disinterested?  Short tempered? Distracted?  Lethargic?  Complacent? Unable to sleep?

It turns out that human beings NEED change.  Yes, I know we all fear it, but that is a discussion for another day.  Human beings require mental, emotional, physical and spiritual stimulation.  Without change we stagnate.  Our hearts, minds, bodies and soul must be refreshed by connection, ideas, movement and inspiration that is not ‘same old, same old.’

One of the reasons that kids are so joyful and energetic is that they are continuously involved in experimentation.  It is what they do all day, every day.  For them it is all new, new, new – and intriguing and fascinating.  When was the last time you felt that way about your life?  Well guess what, if you want things to be different (interesting, dynamic, engaging, exciting) – you need to think and act differently.  If you are not changing, you are stagnating. 

Everything about life is based on change and renewal.  Think of the seasons.  Thing of the life cycle.  Think about your body!  It is actually a new body every year because all its cells are replaced with new cells!

As we move into adulthood we relegate more and more of our living to routines.  This obviously saves time and energy.  But the downside is that life becomes more and more lifeless.  And all those symptoms listed a few paragraphs earlier are a direct result of the deadening of our lives.

YOU are meant to be a dynamic organism: growing, changing, expanding, creating, refreshing yourself continuously throughout your life!  PLEASE: Experiment with your life!  Take a fresh look at everything you think, do, say, and feel.  Experiment with small changes and move on to more meaningful ones.  For the biggest rewards of all consider rethinking WHO you think you are – on all levels.  You just might surprise yourself!

Liar, liar

"This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man."  Polonius/Hamlet

By all reports, lying is epidemic in our culture.  It is often said, "Everyone lies."  People lie for many reasons: because they believe it will help them get what they want; because they fear the consequences if they tell the truth; because they want approval or love; because they do not want to deal with people's reactions to the truth; to appear 'better' than they are.

The consequences of lying often depend on the size/significance of the lie, and on whether one gets caught in the lie.  But there is one consequence that is independent of both of these factors.  Every time you lie it is a message to yourself that you are not okay, that who you truly are is not good enough.  Every lie erodes your self-respect.

This is a serious problem because your relationship with yourself is the basis, the starting place for all of your interactions in the world.  When you do not fully respect yourself, trust yourself, and know yourself to be a person of integrity, you cannot create clean actions or clean relationships.  Everything is tainted by your own rejection of yourself.  Whether the world knows or not, if you are a liar, YOU know.  And the message to yourself is: I am not good enough the way I am.

You can change this at anytime.  Start by taking stock of the things you lie about.  If you were really okay with whatever it is, you would not need to lie about it.   Your lie is a message that you need to change something.  Keep addressing these things until YOU are right with YOU.  And then you will not ever have to lie to anyone.  Your relationship to yourself is paramount.  It creates the quality of your relationships with others and the world.

 The words of the tongue should have three gatekeepers: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

- Arabian Proverb 

The words that we speak ripple forward into the world creating waves of impact.  How many of us are consciously aware of the nature of the waves our speech creates?  Do our words generate peace, understanding, communication, respect, approval, and kindness?  Or do they engender defensiveness, hostility, judgment, criticism, distance, and distrust?

Every time we speak we have the opportunity to promote either goodness or negativity.  And when we are in a calm and/or positive state of mind it is fairly easy to choose the high road.  But what about those moments of tension, stress, overwhelm, frustration, disappointment, and anger?  How conscious are we in those moments about the words we send out into the world?  For most of us the answer is: not very conscious.

The antidote to spewing negativity in 'the heat of the moment' is to s-l-o-w  it down.  The more emotionally charged a moment is, the less access we have to our normal reasoning faculties.  Malcolm Caldwell, in his international bestseller Blink says, "Arousal leaves us mind-blind."  The best choice in these moments is to slow everything down: slow our breathing (which will slow our racing heart), slow our thinking, slow our response time.

Why?  Because these moments are the opportunity to create the world we really want to live in: a world of peace, kindness and connection.  And in order to seize that opportunity we need to ask ourselves some important questions.  The first one is 'What do I truly want?'  Do I want to walk away from this situation being 'right'? Or do I want to create connection and understanding?

It is very enticing, in the moment, to want to be right.  But it is a short lived and shallow thrill.   Rightness is merely a matter of perspective anyway (another subject for another time).  Being right makes someone else wrong.  How good do you feel when someone makes you wrong?  There are other choices: understanding, acceptance, compromise, forgiveness.  These choices promote what we all want and need: connection and respect.

Every communication we send forth into the world has effects.  Each of us has a choice in every moment about what type of ripples we want to generate.  And in our 'heated' moments the stakes are raised.  These are the moments that we can truly manifest change in the world by choosing wisely.  These are the moments to move slowly and choose consciously to promote peace, understanding, respect and connection.

 

 

What You See Is What YOU Get

 

“Whenever conferring with another – either face to face or across the miles – whether a human being, departed spirit, or sentient tree, always speak to the highest within them.  It makes such a difference.” 

Mike Dooley

When you read this quote, don’t you intuitively know the truth of it?!  Yes, because whether you have consciously thought about this or not, you have experienced it.  We have all experienced the power of certain people to call out the best in us.  And this happens because those people see us in our highest light, speak to the best in us, and hold a perception of us that reflects all the goodness that we are.  And in the presence of someone who persists in seeing, honoring and speaking to the highest in us, we cannot but respond with our best.

This is the greatest gift you can give another person.  And in giving it you receive the greatest gift in return.  YOU get back from that person what you have insisted on seeing in them.

Of course this also holds true when you insist on seeing less than the highest in another person.  Whatever you consistently see and speak to is what you will receive.

When someone in your life is showing up for you in less than their highest version of themselves, you don’t have to wait for them to change.  YOU are the only person who ever needs to change.  Consciously search for the brightest expression of your friend (spouse, co-worker, child, family member, neighbor) and see and speak only to that person.  It makes all the difference.

Few people change due to our ‘judgments’ about them.  Nearly all will respond to our unquestioning belief in their goodness.

The How of Happiness

You have absolutely everything you need, right now, to be happy.  Nothing outside you needs to change in order for you to be happy.  Happy lives in you.  If you are not experiencing it on an ongoing basis it is because you are indulging in thoughts, words and actions that prevent you from doing so.  These would be:  annoyance, frustration, complaint, anger, resentment, regret, judgment, blame, worry and/or fear.

Nothing outside you needs to change.  This is the most difficult fact for people to accept on the path to happiness.  If you feel internal resistance to this concept, you are not alone.  Every person I have ever coached has balked at accepting this essential understanding.  And absolutely all of those who saw through their resistance, have successfully established the ongoing experience of happiness in their lives.

There are a number of reasons we resist this idea.  First off, our culture encourages us to look outside ourselves for happiness - to pursue people, things, and experiences as the source of our happiness.  Secondly, believing the source of our happiness is out there somewhere lets us off the hook to some degree (we don't need to change, our spouse/children/boss/co-worker/job/house/body etc. needs to change - and then we will be happy).  And finally, we are afraid that if we accept that nothing needs to change in order for us to be happy, then we have to accept everything in our life exactly the way it is.

Accepting full responsibility for our own happiness gives us all the power to actually make it happen.  And choosing happiness now, (not at some elusive time in the future when you have managed to force everything in your life to conform to the 'perfect picture' you imagine), does not mean you cannot endeavor to make changes to the way things are.  It just means that you put happiness first, and then from that state of happiness go about creating the details that you believe will maximize your enjoyment of life.  If you are operating from happiness, everything else becomes an adventure.