Reality Rules

Do you know what reality is?  Reality is whatever already is.  One of the ways that we all step away from happiness is by arguing with reality. 

Whatever is, is exactly what should be. How do I know? Because that's the way it is. How presumptuous we are when we are constantly saying to reality: "you're wrong - this is not the way you are supposed to be." 

If it's raining and you run outside and shout, "It shouldn't be raining," how sane are you? Well, reality rules. So every time you argue with reality, you are wrong.  

This doesn't mean you have to like it. And it doesn't mean you can't endeavor to create a different reality. It just means you might want to stop wasting time talking about how things "should be," or complaining about the way things are. I'll say it again. Reality rules. (and laughs at our whining)  

Until reality becomes something else, it is exactly the way it is supposed to be. The fun part is going to the next step and asking, "Okay, what is the value in this reality, and how do I use it to create a different one?"

Worry, Worry, Worry

 Worry is the number one way that human beings give away their present moment happiness.  And the average human being gives away literally years worth of life to this negative behavior.  Most of us are so accustomed to worry that we have no idea how much or how often we do it.  It is robbing you of your happiness.       Lets look at the anatomy of worry.  Worry is: thinking (with fear) in the present moment, about a future moment.   It most often involves wanting something not to happen, or fearing something you do want will not happen.  Why do we worry?         Because we can.         As trite as this sounds, it is a very real part of the answer.  We are the only species on the planet actually capable of worrying.  This is explained by the fact that within the last three million years  the human brain went through a huge transformation.  It more than doubled in weight due primarily to the development of the Frontal Lobe.  This area of the brain is the entity that allows human beings to imagine themselves into the future. No other animal on the planet has a Frontal Lobe as developed as ours.  This unique part of the brain is our time machine.  Without it we would be forever trapped in the present moment.  With it, we can foresee tomorrow.    

     Researchers have determined that for the average human being, about 12 percent of their daily thoughts are about the future.  And it turns out that we future trip for a variety of reasons.  Pleasure is one of them.  We have the capacity to imagine infinite scenarios in which positive, fun, successful, lucrative events occur – and we actually enjoy these imaginings as if they are real.  This type of trip into the future stimulates the pleasure centers of the brain just as a real time occurrence does.    

     Not all our journeys into the future are positive.  In fact, most of us take the pain train into tomorrow more frequently than we board the pleasure cruise.  We imagine all manner of un-pleasantries, problems, screw ups, tragedies, and disasters.  These are not enjoyable forays into the future, so why do we insist on them?  

     When asked why they worry, human beings generally answer one of two ways.  They either say, “Because I can’t help it.”  Or, they insist, “To keep bad things from happening.”  The  interesting thing about these answers is that they are both wrong.  Worry is not thrust upon us, it is a choice, and for most people, a habit.  And believing that worry has any ability to control the future is magical thinking.     

     To break the worry habit, you first have to stop believing that worry is effective.  What were you worried about last year at this time?  What were you worried about two months ago?  What has become of those worries?

Getting Clear About What YOU Are Choosing

On February 20th (See 'Happiness Is An Inside Job') I suggested contemplating the question: “What am I willing to have get in the way of my experience of happiness?”

20 years of coaching people has given me a clear answer to this question.  These are the things that people choose over happiness: petty grievances, annoyance, frustration, complaint, anger, resentment, judgment, blame, worry, and fear.  Sounds crazy, right?  Why would anyone choose any of these over happiness?

The reason is simple - We don't realize that choosing the emotions/mind states on that list obscures the experience of our innate happiness.  We have been conditioned to believe that everything on that list is a normal part of everyday life.  And believing makes it so.  That list is a virtual table of contents for your day to day experience of life.  Please do NOT take my word for it.  It is far more powerful to discover this for yourself.

I encourage you to keep a mind/emotion journal for a few days.  Write or print out the above list of emotions/mind states on a piece of paper and keep it with your journal/list.  Read the list in the morning to remind yourself of the thoughts and feelings you are going to record, and then - at the end of your day do a mental review  and write down a brief notation of any that show up.  If you can review more than once per day, you will get a lot more out of this because we all quickly forget what occurs during our days.  And because we are so accustomed to running these emotions and mind states, and accepting them as natural, it takes practice to notice when they are happening.  

Am I suggesting that one can live life without regularly running the above list? Yes.  Absolutely.  And the first step is becoming aware of their presence and impact.  In future posts I will discuss the exact nature of petty grievances, annoyance, frustration, complaint, anger, resentment, judgment, blame, worry, and fear; as well as how one can limit the presence of these emotions and mind states in daily life.

Choose Happiness - Long Before You Die

THIS ARTICLE IS WRITTEN BY:
BRONNIE WARE: www.inspirationandchai.com.



IT IS MORE ABOUT LIVING THAN DYING 


 
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.


People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.


When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:


1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. 
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

 
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.


2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.


By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.


3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.


We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.


4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.


It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.


5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.


Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Happiness Short Cut

 As a happiness Coach, the most frequent question I hear is: “What is the shortest route to happiness?”

There is only one true short cut to happiness: Gratitude.          The catch is that there is no short cut to gratitude. One actually has to take the time to think and feel gratitude in order to experience the miraculous changes it offers. It has to be real.

         Don't let that scare you off. Every person on the planet has countless blessings for which to be grateful.  In fact, it is the very things we take for granted that most deserve our gratitude: the fact of being alive today, our health, the people who have contributed to our life (so many), the opportunities to learn and grow that arrive daily, the amazing natural world around us, our ability to imagine and create, our ability to change, the magic of love, etc. etc. 

         If you are not regularly generating the magic of gratitude, these areas are good places to start. Choose one at a time. If you cannot immediately access feelings of thankfulness, imagine what your life would be without them.

         Gratitude is not a hit and run activity. It is true that any real experience of gratitude will generate positive feelings, stimulate your immune system, increase creative thought processes, and draw good people and events into your life. And it is equally true that running negative thoughts and emotions will counteract the powerfully positive effects of gratitude. It will not work to generate gratitude and follow it up with doses of negativity (anger, resentment, judgment, complaint, worry).

         The key, in any given moment, is to stay with gratitude. In every moment we have a choice to make. We can focus on whatever negative aspect of a situation our mind brings up, or we can say, no thanks, and consciously choose gratitude. Like everything else in life, it is practice that will make you adept at using gratitude to turn your life into a ceaseless flow of goodness.

        Thank you for reading!

Why Happiness Is Important

 I believe that happiness is a significant part of the purpose of life.  Just my opinion.  And if nothing else, the experience of happiness speaks for itself – it provides fertile ground for all things good and desirable in life.  The irony of happiness is that even though it is universally touted as the one thing everyone wants, it is also denigrated by many as selfish, untrustworthy, shallow, and base.

     I understand the thinking of those who protest that focusing on happiness is trivial in a world where tragedy, heartache, hunger, and war abound.  Yet what is it that we wish for people who are living in these circumstances?  We wish for them to be safe, healthy, and happy.  The best way to move toward a world in which all human beings have the opportunity to live happily is to teach people how to live from the ongoing experience of happiness, because happy people have a profound impact on the world.

           Studies conclusively show that people who are happy make better life decisions, contribute to the lives of others, and treat their fellow human beings with respect.  I am willing to bet that these findings are corroborated by your own life experience.  Is it not true that in times when you experience your own happiness you are more patient and accepting and kind toward all? Aren’t you more willing to forgive, more likely to go the extra mile for others, and better able to deal with challenges creatively?  In fact, is there any area of your life in which you believe you would NOT function at a higher level if you were experiencing happiness on a regular basis???

     Studies indicate that the answer is an emphatic NO.  There is no area of a person’s life unaffected by happiness.  Here are just a few of the happiness effects that have been documented:

     Happy People are MORE:

Sociable

Energetic

Charitable

Cooperative

Flexible and imaginative in their thinking

Productive in their jobs

Resilient in the face of hardship

Likely to get married

Likely to stay married

Likely to maintain strong ties to their community.

Likely to volunteer

     Happy People:

Have stronger immune systems

Are healthier

Live longer

Earn more $

     Now, don’t you think a world full of people living the attributes above would vastly improve the planet?  That is why happiness is important!

Happiness is an Inside Job

•  Yesterday I wrote about choosing happiness.  There are numerous aspects to choosing happiness, and the most important is realizing that you and only you are responsible for your happiness.  This may seem self evident, but it bears taking a second look.  Even people who easily agree with this statement about happiness, live their life as if people, places, things, and events outside them are the source of happiness.  Never has been true, never will be.

This is actually good news.  It means you have the power to launch happiness in your life.  You have the power.  Which also means you have the responsibility.  Choosing happiness is about taking full personal responsibility in every moment for choosing happiness.

What does this look like?  Let’s imagine that you already are living from a consistent state of happiness.  You get up each and every day happy to be alive and eager to engage with life throughout the day. You make your way to the kitchen where your spouse is drinking coffee and finishing breakfast with the kids.  The school bus is due in 5 minutes and the kid’s lunches are not made.  What happened?  It was your turn to sleep in, and your spouse’s turn to handle the morning routine of getting the kid’s off to school.

This is where you get to choose.  This is where you get to take responsibility.  The question to ask is “What am I willing to have get in the way of my experience of happiness?”

The most common reaction I get to this scenario is, “Don’t I have a right to be pissed off that my spouse didn’t fulfill the morning duties?  I always get it done on my mornings!”

Sure, (in the commonly accepted behavioral code of our culture) you have a right to be mad any time you want to be.  You also have a right to the consequences of your frustration, upset, anger, etc.  And one of those is that you cannot experience happiness and anger simultaneously.

Your life is made up of these moment to moment interactions.  And the choices you make in these moments add up to your overall experience of life.

Although this kitchen scenario is relatively innocent and simple, it is also representative of the millions of moments throughout our daily lives during which we choose something other than happiness – whether it be complaint, anger, resentment, judgment, worry or fear.

Begin to be aware of the choices you are afforded in the many moments of your day.  And as your awareness grows, see if you can create the space – in those moments – to ask yourself, “What am I willing to have get in the way of my experience of happiness?”

p.s.  The kitchen scenario above was related to me by one of my coaching clients.  It turned out that the lunches did not get made because the children were upset about something that was happening at school and the spouse had taken the time to sort it thru with them.  The kids ended up running to the bus with lunch money in their pockets – a rare treat.

Happiness - The Choice That Never Gets Old

Did you choose happiness today? Sages, poets and studies agree: happiness is what everyone wants.  Yet so few of us live happily as an ongoing experience.  And this is a direct result of the fact that almost none of us were taught that happiness is a choice.

Human beings are choice makers.  We choose moment after moment, again and again throughout every day of our lives. We are choosing even when we are not aware of choosing.  Sometimes we choose consciously, more often we choose on auto-pilot. 

We choose our beliefs, our friends, our goals, our activities, and our actions. We also choose our clothes, our cars, our food, our toys and our pastimes.  And the prevailing hope/assumption is that the sum of our choices will create happiness.  When we fail to achieve happiness, we believe that we must choose new/different people, activities, work, recreation, cars, toys, etc., until we hit on the right combination that will create happiness.  This is good for the economy, but it is never going to produce happiness.

We get fooled into thinking these choices can produce happiness, because some of our choices do result in pleasure, and we are so unfamiliar with true happiness that we mistake pleasure (which is always conditional and transitory) as happiness.

Pleasure and happiness are not the same, but they are connected – just not in the way we have been conditioned to believe.  Most of us live our lives as if the more pleasure we can experience, the happier we will be.  This belief is backwards.  The way it actually works is this: the happier you are, the more pleasure you will experience in life, no matter what you are doing or what is going on around you.

Happiness is not conditional.  It is the natural state of all human beings.  Most of us don’t experience it as our natural state because nearly everything we have been taught about how to live our lives creates barriers to our moment to moment experience of happiness.

This blog is dedicated to helping you understand what is creating those barriers, and assisting you in making new life choices that will dissolve the barriers and allow you to experience happy day in and day out.  And, believe me, happiness never gets old.