The Voices in Our Heads

We all have multiple voices in our heads that seem to have a life of their own.  Okay, I am NOT talking about the voice that tells you Great Aunt Sally is buried out in the back yard and wants you to rescue her.  I’m talking about the very real voices of all the people in our lives that have influenced us over the years.  Here are a couple of my personal favorites:

1.  Whenever it is a particularly gorgeous day (which happens a lot in our area) I always hear my departed mother exclaiming gleefully, “It’s a dilly, dilly day!”

2.  When I drop something in the kitchen I hear my (then) 10 year old daughter shouting, “Fiddlesticks.” (this comes with a visual of her friends looking at her with that “where do you come from?” scorn).

3.  Whenever anything REALLY goes wrong I immediately hear Tom Hanks intoning, “Houston, we have a problem.”

Now, these are all perfectly benign voices, and I actually enjoy them chiming in.  But most people also have a whole litany of voices that are not so pleasant to hear.  These are the voices that have hurt or belittled you in the past.  The parent who said you were unlovable, the teacher who said you would never do well, the boss who told you you weren’t good enough.  The friends who mocked you; the co-workers who criticized you; the family members who made light of your dreams; the spouse who highlights your shortcomings.

The present day issue is not that these things were said.  It is that they continue to play in your head, and continue to cause pain and dysfunction.  What I want you to know is that YOU have the right to invite these voices to cease and desist.  Any voice that does not speak to or acknowledge the good in you needs an eviction notice.

Here is a process for deleting these unwanted voices:

1. Become aware of them.  Everything begins with awareness.  Often, these voices have been playing so long that you no longer consciously hear them.  So start by repeating to yourself every day that you intend to tune in to any negative messages running in your head.  And if/when you find yourself feeling any negative emotion, stop and figure out what you are thinking and whose voice it is.

2. Look consciously at the message that is being repeated and ask if there is any truth in it that YOU can own in a positive way – any kernal of truth that could make you a better or happier person.  If so, rephrase it in your own words and make it a positive message to yourself.  Every time that old voice shows up, calmly inform it that its residency has been revoked (use your own style of ‘hit the road jack’).  Then repeat your new, self created positive message.  If the original message was completely out in left field, with no iota of validity, then laugh at it!  Talk back to it, like “You’re kidding, right?  That is so absurd it is hilarious.  I am so not that way.  I am _______________________.  Fill in the blank with the goodness in you that makes a lie of the voice. 

Understand that you will probably have to evict the unwanted voice more than once, and perhaps many times.  The longer the voice has been playing in your head the more deeply entrenched it will be.  Just stay vigilant to its presence and keep doing the steps above. 

Also, keep it about the message, the voice, not the original person who spoke the words.  No matter how off base, wrong, or hurtful the person was, it is not about them.  It is about you gaining freedom from the unwelcome voice that lives in your head. 

Liar, liar

"This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man."  Polonius/Hamlet

By all reports, lying is epidemic in our culture.  It is often said, "Everyone lies."  People lie for many reasons: because they believe it will help them get what they want; because they fear the consequences if they tell the truth; because they want approval or love; because they do not want to deal with people's reactions to the truth; to appear 'better' than they are.

The consequences of lying often depend on the size/significance of the lie, and on whether one gets caught in the lie.  But there is one consequence that is independent of both of these factors.  Every time you lie it is a message to yourself that you are not okay, that who you truly are is not good enough.  Every lie erodes your self-respect.

This is a serious problem because your relationship with yourself is the basis, the starting place for all of your interactions in the world.  When you do not fully respect yourself, trust yourself, and know yourself to be a person of integrity, you cannot create clean actions or clean relationships.  Everything is tainted by your own rejection of yourself.  Whether the world knows or not, if you are a liar, YOU know.  And the message to yourself is: I am not good enough the way I am.

You can change this at anytime.  Start by taking stock of the things you lie about.  If you were really okay with whatever it is, you would not need to lie about it.   Your lie is a message that you need to change something.  Keep addressing these things until YOU are right with YOU.  And then you will not ever have to lie to anyone.  Your relationship to yourself is paramount.  It creates the quality of your relationships with others and the world.

Why Happiness Is Important

 I believe that happiness is a significant part of the purpose of life.  Just my opinion.  And if nothing else, the experience of happiness speaks for itself – it provides fertile ground for all things good and desirable in life.  The irony of happiness is that even though it is universally touted as the one thing everyone wants, it is also denigrated by many as selfish, untrustworthy, shallow, and base.

     I understand the thinking of those who protest that focusing on happiness is trivial in a world where tragedy, heartache, hunger, and war abound.  Yet what is it that we wish for people who are living in these circumstances?  We wish for them to be safe, healthy, and happy.  The best way to move toward a world in which all human beings have the opportunity to live happily is to teach people how to live from the ongoing experience of happiness, because happy people have a profound impact on the world.

           Studies conclusively show that people who are happy make better life decisions, contribute to the lives of others, and treat their fellow human beings with respect.  I am willing to bet that these findings are corroborated by your own life experience.  Is it not true that in times when you experience your own happiness you are more patient and accepting and kind toward all? Aren’t you more willing to forgive, more likely to go the extra mile for others, and better able to deal with challenges creatively?  In fact, is there any area of your life in which you believe you would NOT function at a higher level if you were experiencing happiness on a regular basis???

     Studies indicate that the answer is an emphatic NO.  There is no area of a person’s life unaffected by happiness.  Here are just a few of the happiness effects that have been documented:

     Happy People are MORE:

Sociable

Energetic

Charitable

Cooperative

Flexible and imaginative in their thinking

Productive in their jobs

Resilient in the face of hardship

Likely to get married

Likely to stay married

Likely to maintain strong ties to their community.

Likely to volunteer

     Happy People:

Have stronger immune systems

Are healthier

Live longer

Earn more $

     Now, don’t you think a world full of people living the attributes above would vastly improve the planet?  That is why happiness is important!