Liar, liar

"This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man."  Polonius/Hamlet

By all reports, lying is epidemic in our culture.  It is often said, "Everyone lies."  People lie for many reasons: because they believe it will help them get what they want; because they fear the consequences if they tell the truth; because they want approval or love; because they do not want to deal with people's reactions to the truth; to appear 'better' than they are.

The consequences of lying often depend on the size/significance of the lie, and on whether one gets caught in the lie.  But there is one consequence that is independent of both of these factors.  Every time you lie it is a message to yourself that you are not okay, that who you truly are is not good enough.  Every lie erodes your self-respect.

This is a serious problem because your relationship with yourself is the basis, the starting place for all of your interactions in the world.  When you do not fully respect yourself, trust yourself, and know yourself to be a person of integrity, you cannot create clean actions or clean relationships.  Everything is tainted by your own rejection of yourself.  Whether the world knows or not, if you are a liar, YOU know.  And the message to yourself is: I am not good enough the way I am.

You can change this at anytime.  Start by taking stock of the things you lie about.  If you were really okay with whatever it is, you would not need to lie about it.   Your lie is a message that you need to change something.  Keep addressing these things until YOU are right with YOU.  And then you will not ever have to lie to anyone.  Your relationship to yourself is paramount.  It creates the quality of your relationships with others and the world.

 The words of the tongue should have three gatekeepers: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

- Arabian Proverb 

The words that we speak ripple forward into the world creating waves of impact.  How many of us are consciously aware of the nature of the waves our speech creates?  Do our words generate peace, understanding, communication, respect, approval, and kindness?  Or do they engender defensiveness, hostility, judgment, criticism, distance, and distrust?

Every time we speak we have the opportunity to promote either goodness or negativity.  And when we are in a calm and/or positive state of mind it is fairly easy to choose the high road.  But what about those moments of tension, stress, overwhelm, frustration, disappointment, and anger?  How conscious are we in those moments about the words we send out into the world?  For most of us the answer is: not very conscious.

The antidote to spewing negativity in 'the heat of the moment' is to s-l-o-w  it down.  The more emotionally charged a moment is, the less access we have to our normal reasoning faculties.  Malcolm Caldwell, in his international bestseller Blink says, "Arousal leaves us mind-blind."  The best choice in these moments is to slow everything down: slow our breathing (which will slow our racing heart), slow our thinking, slow our response time.

Why?  Because these moments are the opportunity to create the world we really want to live in: a world of peace, kindness and connection.  And in order to seize that opportunity we need to ask ourselves some important questions.  The first one is 'What do I truly want?'  Do I want to walk away from this situation being 'right'? Or do I want to create connection and understanding?

It is very enticing, in the moment, to want to be right.  But it is a short lived and shallow thrill.   Rightness is merely a matter of perspective anyway (another subject for another time).  Being right makes someone else wrong.  How good do you feel when someone makes you wrong?  There are other choices: understanding, acceptance, compromise, forgiveness.  These choices promote what we all want and need: connection and respect.

Every communication we send forth into the world has effects.  Each of us has a choice in every moment about what type of ripples we want to generate.  And in our 'heated' moments the stakes are raised.  These are the moments that we can truly manifest change in the world by choosing wisely.  These are the moments to move slowly and choose consciously to promote peace, understanding, respect and connection.

 

 

What You See Is What YOU Get

 

“Whenever conferring with another – either face to face or across the miles – whether a human being, departed spirit, or sentient tree, always speak to the highest within them.  It makes such a difference.” 

Mike Dooley

When you read this quote, don’t you intuitively know the truth of it?!  Yes, because whether you have consciously thought about this or not, you have experienced it.  We have all experienced the power of certain people to call out the best in us.  And this happens because those people see us in our highest light, speak to the best in us, and hold a perception of us that reflects all the goodness that we are.  And in the presence of someone who persists in seeing, honoring and speaking to the highest in us, we cannot but respond with our best.

This is the greatest gift you can give another person.  And in giving it you receive the greatest gift in return.  YOU get back from that person what you have insisted on seeing in them.

Of course this also holds true when you insist on seeing less than the highest in another person.  Whatever you consistently see and speak to is what you will receive.

When someone in your life is showing up for you in less than their highest version of themselves, you don’t have to wait for them to change.  YOU are the only person who ever needs to change.  Consciously search for the brightest expression of your friend (spouse, co-worker, child, family member, neighbor) and see and speak only to that person.  It makes all the difference.

Few people change due to our ‘judgments’ about them.  Nearly all will respond to our unquestioning belief in their goodness.